Letter to my past

I’m no advocate of focusing on the past; in fact I strongly believe that one should keep the past in the past, live in the now with your eyes gleaning on the future. However, I do believe that reviewing your past can be essential to helping you progress in life.

Identifying and learning from past mistakes can be a better teacher than anything you will ever hear or be advised.

I saw a video 'Note to Self' by Tyler Perry where he was advising his younger self. I decided to do something similar, and write a letter to my younger self (I have written this letter in a ‘tough love’ style – as this has been the most effective way of getting me to think about making progressive changes):

Dear Me,

Do you remember this conversation?

A Person: So what Uni would you like to go?

Me (in a half-joking manner): Oxford would be nice

A Person (now addressing a group of us): Umm…You are all destined for greatness, it’s in each and everyone of you. However statistics show that based on your geographic location, your up-bringing and ethnic background, it will take a miracle for any of you to achieve much in life or fulfill your dreams.... Don’t try to stretch yourself, because the odds are against you and you will only raise your hopes which will eventually get dashed”!

Yet again you allowed what others thought of you to shape your future.

Why did you never question this statement? Why did you allow it to take root deep within you and subconsciously grow, spreading its tentacles and affect the way you perceive your potential and what you are capable of?

Believe me when I say that its often well-meaning people who will say the worst things to you, and can be very discouraging when it comes to accomplishing your dreams or goals.

You do not know it now, but by accepting this statement to be a fact; you have set yourself up to living mediocre in certain areas of your life and accept it as the norm.

Your thought life is SO important. Do away with comments like that, because it really isn’t going to do any good for your confidence in the long run.

Don’t go through life thinking that statement is true because although stretching can hurt or feel uncomfortable; stretching yourself is good, as it will enable you to discover those hidden treasures and potential locked away.

How many successful athletes fail to train before a race? None! So in the same light, the training you may be going through now may seem difficult or even painful, but you cannot let that phase you! Don’t let it stop you! Don’t allow these precious years go to waste!

You’re allowing hurt from past experiences to hold you back. Don’t get to the stage where you will regret not making a move into the unexpected, because risk taking is part of life!

You may feel that life has dealt you some wicked blows at such a young age, but you need to know that this is not all life has to offer, and all of these experiences only make you stronger; helping shape your future and who you become.

Start to develop a positive vision for your future, because believe it or not, a lot ties into this and as you think so you will become.

You are currently investing too much of your time and energy into pleasing people and hoping they don't think bad of you, when in reality; no matter what you, do good or bad, people will still talk.

So why waste your time on what doesn't matter?

Do yourself a favour, and just LIVE & ENJOY your life; focusing on what’s important.

Refuse to use the race card as an excuse for anything you have not pushed yourself to try to accomplish. You will soon see that a black man can become president of the free world, so nothing is out of your reach – diligently apply yourself and don’t give up on the first hurdle.

You have a wealth of role models and aspirational people making things happen, so you have no excuse.

Finally, stop worrying so much. Things always initially seem a lot worse than they actually are. That situation that you think is the end of the world…really isn't. Things will always work out in the end, they always have and they always will!

With everything said, don’t be too hard on yourself because everything you are going through now is shaping who you will be in the future. So chin up and walk with your head held high and remember that you are what you think, so intentionally think positive thoughts and do things with ‘PURPOSE’ in mind!

All my love.

Your Older Self.

P.S: Don’t cut up those pictures of yourself that you think you look bad in, because you will look back and wish you had never destroyed those precious memories. Just because you have low self-esteem now, doesn’t mean you always will.

I hope this inspires both young and old alike to focus living a more purposeful life as we step into the New Year.

Watch the accompanying vlog below:

http://youtu.be/tj7sVmvLBzA?list=UUntLF4PfoUSCG5Nwdyw8H3g

The Waiting Room

Wait.ing room

Noun

A questioning and trying period in one’s life which entails a lot of patience before the pain is alleviated.

Synonyms

Nausea, Discomfort, Anger, Sickness, lingering pain, fear

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock...was the sound of what seemed like never ending time. With my eyes fixated on the clock in front of me, what must have felt like a whole hour turned out to only be two minutes.

An overbearingly clinical smell, coupled with the dingy lighting of the surgery made the wait seem even longer, and I began to feel queasy.

This meant that any moment from now, what I could only describe as the ‘now active volcano’ placed between my nose and chin would inevitably erupt.

Tightly grasping the sick bowl begrudgingly provided by the receptionist in one hand, and a ball of squashed blue paper towels in the other; thoughts began to flood through my mind.

“Is this life? I don’t think I will have a shred of dignity left after this whole agonising ordeal is over. Can I really handle this pain? Am I going to have to wait months before this horrendous sensation subsides?

Whoever named this morning sickness was an absolute clown. Period!”

This was an all day, all night, 24 hours, 7 days a week sickness, and no amount ginger, peppermint tea or the inundated concoctions I had been advised to take actually worked.

After another 5 minutes of staring at the same tiring clock, my gaze shifted to the emerging shadow of a rather stocky looking woman, who then sat adjacent to me.

Our eyes briefly met and I managed to catch the beginning of her flashing a smile at me.

However, I speedily unlatched from the glance as returning the gesture would only use up energy that I did not feel I had.

“I was entitled to act this way!” I mumbled to myself. No one would expect otherwise if they knew exactly what I was going through, and besides (as I further tried to validate my excuse) this is London; where we are notoriously known for being unfriendly.

I had always envisaged that this stage of life would be both an amazing and exciting time, whilst I could freely indulge in all things fabulous for my palette. Instead, it felt as though every ounce of energy was rapidly being sapped out of me.

Any elation initially felt drastically subsided as it was turning out to be more of a living nightmare, with which I just wanted to be woken up from.

Question upon question protruded my mind...How was I supposed to stay positive when something so often associated with joy was overwhelmingly distressing and painful?

How could some women be so physically well that they didn’t even know they were pregnant? This must be a test, because I am definitely being dealt the ‘unfair’ card of life AGAIN!

Before I had the chance to ask myself another question, an annoying knuckle crackling sound abruptly interrupted me.

Glimpsing over to my right, I saw the same woman who I noticed earlier now practically hovering over me.

Her preying posture was invading my personal space and I was now feeling very awkward.

Rapidly trying to avoid any form of conversation from taking place, I slightly turned my body away from her in the pursuit that she would stay silent or go away. Conversely, she leaned in towards me; forcing me to turn my head back in her direction, then she softly whispered "luv...if there’s anything I have learnt in life, it’s that it's never as bad as it seems!"

Judging from my unapproachable disposition, blank faced stare and clocking on to the fact that I was in no conversing mood; without giving me the chance to respond, she winked at me whilst returning to her seat.

My first reaction was “how dare she?”

How could this stranger have the audacity to make such a statement? Who gave her the right to assess me and based upon her perception, come to the conclusion that what I was suffering was not that bad?

Screaming in my head were the words “What on earth is wrong with people?” I couldn’t believe that even in sickness, I had to deal with their never-ending need to comment on my life.

At that point I had a choice; a choice to either continue in self-wallowing pity (which really wasn't helping my condition), or to take on board what this complete stranger had just said.

I could embrace this new perspective and start being a little more positive and optimistic; even though every cell in my body was opposing this notion.

Reflectively, I remembered that I had previously made the decision that I would no longer be ruled by how I felt or what people said to me. I was now 'The Confident Woman’ and right here and now posed the ultimate test.

Upon leaving the surgery after hearing the doctor condescendingly say “…these things happen, and there’s nothing much you can do but ride it out”, it suddenly occurred to me that this woman who I probably would never meet again, actually spoke the exact words that I needed to hear.

Although everything physical ruled against considering her statement as reasonable or fair, what did I have to lose by choosing to see things her way?

Was I going to allow my current state to prevent me from using this adversity to make me grow and become stronger? Or would I remain close-minded and allow past hurts and experiences to determine my attitude towards the situation?

Whenever I felt as though I could no longer handle the pain; (as I must have suffered every known pregnancy symptom), I reminded myself that it could be a lot worst.

On those dark and dreary days, I would play those words on repeat in my mind as I ticked yet another day off my calendar. I knew that although I may not understand why all this was happening, my faith in God’s strength would be made perfect in my weakness.

The choice to change my mindset and focus on the end result rather than the problem was one of the best decisions I made for my mental state and well-being.

It infused the will to persevere no matter how tough it got, because after all; this was only a temporal matter!

Acting upon this realisation may not make the 'Waiting Room' experience any quicker, nevertheless, it will give it purpose with which you are willing to endure till the end because the destination will be worth it.

I resolved to using that statement in situations that arose even after my pregnancy, because when you think about it; no matter how tough, challenging or daunting the circumstance is, it's ultimately up to you to chose to believe that it "ain’t half bad!"

Feel free to watch the accompanying blog below:

http://youtu.be/ugXCy9CMKV8?list=UUntLF4PfoUSCG5Nwdyw8H3g

We may be going through challenge(s), but we should always remember that 'it could be worse'.
What 'Waiting Room' experience(s) have you had, and how did you get through the wait? - 
kindly leave your comments

Tears of Despair

She slumped against the wall in the corner of the dark room. Dropping to her knees, she tried hard to hold back the tears that were welling up in her eyes. The feeling of complete disgust and self-hatred overwhelmed her as the passing thought of “when will this ever end?” swept through her mind. She who was once so fearless, now only felt emptiness from betrayal and the bitter pain that her new life had brought.

Moments before, she had been forced into intimacy with yet another stranger. A stranger, who became increasingly aggressive in his approach, coupled with his animalistic demeanour; smothered her with sweet nothings as he forcefully thrust against her tender and still developing body. She knew that for the next few minutes, she was totally subject to his will, his desire and to feeding his lust.

As she felt the heaviness of his breathing and heart beat racing, she tightly closed her eyes to avoid seeing him unwaveringly gaze upon her body. She had been here before, and knew all too well that there was no choice but to go through with it. The price for her had been paid, and he was just one of many she had to encounter that night.

Her mind scattered in different directions as the fear of where this would lead filled her whole being. She couldn’t dare ask him to stop, as the deep scar on her left cheek served as a constant painful reminder of the consequence of such bravery.

After all had been said and done, he muttered some rash words as he slammed the door shut, leaving her all alone in the damp murky room. Her senses switched focus to the putrid smell from the gutters outside; brought about by the humidity of the air, the sound of smashing beer bottles from the bar next door, and the loud honking from passing vehicles.

They triggered her to reflect upon the lowness of her situation, as she lay stripped down to her bare skin on the cold concrete floor.

She wished…hoped for just a ray of light to shine through the darkness of her unpleasant existence. Wondering if this was what life was all about; barely 15 she had been stripped away of any form of self worth and all she knew now was the pitiful shame of what she had become.

Nothing seemed to matter anymore, as she concluded that this was probably her lot and she deserved nothing more.

Then it happened, simultaneously as the un-tightened tap across the room carried on dripping; the tears she tried so hard to fight back came rolling down. Natural instinct would be to wipe them away; as time and time again she had been told “there’s no room for tears”, she needed to “be strong and do what was needed for them all”. However, this time she just let it flow, flow across her painful scar ridden cheeks.

Maybe, just maybe she could find some form of relief, in an act that made her feel a remotely bit human.

I wrote this story to serve as a reminder of what many young girls are currently facing in the world we live in today. A story that so vividly brings out the truth and highlights the ugliness of the widespread problem child sex trafficking has on its victims.

What are you going to do to bring about that much needed change? The change that will instill confidence back into the young lives devastated by this silent perpetrator. Act now, and let these girls know that there is still hope.

Feel free to watch an interview with 'Thrive Rescue Home' based in Thailand below:

http://youtu.be/oTmCUiMbIKc?list=UUntLF4PfoUSCG5Nwdyw8H3g

The Moral Of The Story Is...

Racing into the classroom as soon as the maths teacher opened the door, this once overly energetic girl rushed to grab the seat at the far right-hand corner close to the window. The seat where no-one would be able to sit behind her. The seat where she could gaze out of the window and get lost in thought as she watched the branches on the giant trees sway in the cool autumn breeze; where she could just, for one hour, escape the pain of reality. That seat was where she felt just a little bit more secure as she was not exposed to anyone catching a glimpse of what she had to hide.

Only last month she was a normal teenager, with minimal cares and the belief that she was doing alright in her own world. However, little did she know that a seemingly normal day at school would dramatically change her life and her perception of life for many years to come.

Standing in the corridor after the lunch bell rang, she was joking around getting up to her usual palaver when she overheard a conversation taking place just a few steps away from her. She did not hear what led to that statement being made, but what she did unmistakably hear was “look! X’s nose is big!”

That statement, that wasn't meant for her ears, all of a sudden continuously resounded in her head; so loud that it drowned out everything that was going on around her. Suddenly, everything seemed to slow down as her mind went into overdrive, trying to process what she had just heard.

"What?!", she thought, "could it be?!". "Wait, I don’t understand". She didn’t know why she had never noticed this before. Then a sickening thought crept into her mind, the thought that if "So & so" had just said that about her, then how many other people thought the same?

This nose of hers, that sat smack bang in the middle of her face, was practically impossible to cover up. It was now her mission to try and disappear, to go around unnoticed, staying behind after class and doing everything possible to avoid people noticing her. 

Paranoia kicked in with such great force that it began to affect the way she related with her friends and family. All of a sudden (in her mind) everybody was out to get her and everybody she knew was against her. There were only a few people that she would allow to get close to her, as she now had an intense fear that she would once again be scarred by another comment.

This issue did not stop with her nose. It began to spiral out of control - from the size of her arms to the shape of her head, until there was very little on her body that she actually liked or appreciated. The seed of self consciousness had been sown and was now germinating into a monster that seemed to be growing quicker that the speed of light.

How could a teenager that did not have a care in the world, was so full of passion and on a quest to explore life, suddenly hit a road block that did so much damage it left her stagnant?

The answer lies in the mind. You see this girl was me, and this event DID take place at secondary school about 13 years ago. An event that I would say was the start of a bad journey down the road of what I call the ‘self-depriving years’. Depriving myself of living my life to the fullest simply because I took to heart what people said to, or about me and my image.

I allowed my over imaginative mind to spiral out of control and consequently, what was meant to be a brilliant aid to my years of growing up, became a destructive tool because I allowed it to and I did not know how to stop it.

The cumulative effect of self consciousness, plus the negative comments I constantly heard from other people regarding my weight, size and height progressively over time began to chip at the little confidence I had left, until eventually I completely despised my physical appearance. I became withdrawn and would keep a lot of things to myself, often resulting in random bursts of rage (after the bubble had become full and needed to burst). This went on for a while and the people close to me began to notice a change in my attitude and outlook on life.

It felt as though every ounce of life was slowly being drained, as I embarked upon this cycle of self loathing and pity. Resentment and the determination to block everyone out grew side by side, as I thought this was the best way to deal with my issue. I hated the fact that I took after my mum’s stature. I hated my prominent physical features. I hated the fact that people thought my younger brother was older than me. I hated the fact that after I had graduated from university and had started working, I would still have people ask me when I was going to start my GCSE's (I sat those exams 12 years ago). I would let comments linger in my mind for days, and I would digest the ugliness of each word, planting the seed of self doubt on the fertile soil of unforgiveness and bitterness.

Nonetheless, there was a tiny glimmer of hope. A ray of light that shone through and let me know that life is for living and currently, I was not living it to the fullest. 

I knew that there were other people in worst circumstances than I, circumstances that made what I was going through seem like childsplay. Nevertheless, I still needed to take this journey where I had to learn to forgive myself and let go and forgive the many people that ignorantly made one remark or the other to me in the past concerning my appearance, because ultimately I was only doing myself harm and not them. They would not care nor even know how their brash statements of "when was the last time you had a proper meal" would resonate in my mind for days.

As I mentioned in my 1st video, I have reached a stage in life where I am going to start viewing myself in a different more beautiful light. A journey I am taking to boost my confidence and positively impact others in the process. A healing process that will eventually end with an inspiring story to tell, one that can encourage others that there is hope regardless of the situation they’re facing. I am going to take each day as it comes, with a positive outlook on life. This will help with instilling the confidence needed for the thoughts that may come during the day.

I have battled with low self esteem for many years and it's something that I believe got triggered in my school corridor that afternoon all those years ago, the afternoon that I became incredibly self conscious.

The moral of the story? I leave for you to decide. However, ponder on this thought...you might not always like what you hear when you walk down that corridor; it can be harsh, painful and in some instances life-changing. Nevertheless, whether it changes you for the worse or for the better, is ultimately your choice!

"If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it". - Mary Engelbreit

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http://youtu.be/mmLL4AWafm0?list=UUntLF4PfoUSCG5Nwdyw8H3g